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A joke for the day (year maybe)

Chap A:   I met a lady of horizontal refreshment today called Rolex.

Chap B:   Oh, really. Any relation to the watch company?

Chap A:   No, same price, different movement..........


Another Pearly Gates type story

St Peter was at the gates of heaven interviewing prospective members.

He turns to the next in line and asked the man "What was your occupation on earth my son?"

The man replied "I was a preacher"

"Oh, that is an admirable occupation" said St Peter and he proceeded to hand a nicely stitched cotton jacket and a wooden staff to the preacher to help him on his way.

St Peter then turned to the next person in the line and asked his occupation.

"I was a taxi driver" the man said.

Oh, that is really good said St Peter and proceeded to hand the man a gold lame jacket and a jewel encrusted staff to aid him in his travels.

On seeing this the preacher asked St Peter "St Peter, I am a preacher and this man is a taxi driver so why do I only get a cotton jacket and wooden staff?

"Ah, my son, a very good question" said St Peter. 

"The reason is that people must enter heaven on merit and in your job your customers only prayed ONE day a week whereas the taxi driver's customers prayed EVERY day of the week!"


Seen in car windows

Wife & Dog missing - reward for dog!

(for the purposes of Political Correctness substitute Husband for Wife)


On back of truck/trailer unit

If you can't stop in time ...  smile as you go under!


On back of white van

The only tool in this van is the driver ...


On back of Bargain Booze van

We make life richer for the pourer ...


On back of car

This car is insured by the Mafia - you hit me, they hit you


Pizza lines

A pizza with radius 'z', and thickness 'a' has a volume of Pi*z*z*a


7 days without pizza makes one weak


Buy our pizza. We knead the dough


Electric Utility

We would be de-lighted if you pay your bill. However, if you don't, you will be


Vets waiting room sign

Be back in 5 mins - Sit - Stay


Optometrists shop

If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place


Non-smoking area sign

If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action


Plumber lines

We repair what your husband fixed


Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber


It's a hard life in management

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.


He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.


He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."


The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.

You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."


"You must be in IT," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"


"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost.

Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."


The woman below responded, "You must be in Management?


"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"


"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.

You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep,and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my flaming fault.


Weird - too much time on one's hands

I knocked on the door and asked "Is BENIN?" to have a CHAD about why PHILIPPINES for his homeland. The householder said I don't KENYA but CANADA down the road help? I didn't say anything MALIcious but Ada was upset so I said don't worry I will supPORTUGAL. I said I had TOGO and then put on my JERSEY and IRAN down the road to avoid getting CHILE,but OMAN as I was RUSSIAN I slipped on GREECE (I'm GHANA have to SUDAN) and broke a bit of CHINA (need to practICELANDing next time) which waSPAINful. Further down the street I asked a GERMANYouth if a frying pan was a pan. He said JAPAN. I said thanKUWAIT until I get up. Feeling a bit HUNGARY I looked for some TURKEY (the WALES were too big) then sat down to PERUse the magazine on JAVA which my urbaNEPAL MALDIVES into (he owns mAL GERIAtric Coding Ltd jointly with MaJORDAN). A while ago Mal CAMEROON to my place and I asked MALAWI going to let the baCONGO off and eat the mANGOLAter? He said NORWAY! I said it's vITALYEMENtioned that. He asked how my dancing was - I said any MOROCCObilly stuff and I'll quit. Tried looking at the view from the top window which is possible if UKRAINE your neck and UGANDA. Looking at my feet I thought is the colour of that BHUTAN and I could see the portaPAKISTAN. Of course in the biscuit tin the colour of the AFGHANISTAN and according to Borat the colour of a KAZAHKISTAN. Glancing over at the fire I tried to avoid thoughts of pyROMANIA and tried to see the hidDENMARK on the wall beside the calendar that Manchester UNITED STATES the fixture list on.

So to end with a palindrome - amanaplanacanalPANAMA